December 15, 2020, 1:35 pm
We have a late entry for “Bonkers Twitter Thread of the Year” after a man by the name of “War Clandestine” told the tale of how his spirit was crushed because a woman he was about to have sex with asked him if he voted for Trump. Apparently, instead of answering her, he just put on his pants, chugged some wine, and left to drive (whoops) off and have an existential crisis.
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Whether or not any of the following actually happened, Mr. Clandestine eventually went home and posted a dramatic retelling of the event on Twitter Monday night.
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After the “girl” (we hope he means adult woman) asks him where he’s going while he gets dressed, he says that he took “the rest of the bottle of Syrah to the face,” which we assume means he drank it all. That’s when things get really dramatic.
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“On the journey home, I take the most beautiful road in the country, George Washington Memorial Parkway. Right on the bank of the Potomac,” he wrote. “For those familiar, there are many scenic overlooks on this road. I had an insatiable desire to stop and enjoy the brisk December evening.”
He says he became “overwhelmed with emotion” as he “gazed at Washington’s monument, while I sit on his road, overlooking his city.” He even made sure to note that his eyes were “glossy,” though it’s unclear how he could know that without looking in a mirror.
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Then a thing that definitely wasn’t made up happened.
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“I looked to the sky for answers. For a sign. Something. Lo and behold, the biggest shooting star I’ve ever seen slices through the midnight sky.”
In that moment, says War Clandestine, he was “the closest I’ve ever felt to God” and said a prayer asking the Lord what he should do about his failing business and other problems.
“My business is crippled. My People are persecuted. My country is tainted with corruption,” he wrote. “As a man who swore an Oath to defend The Constitution from ALL THREATS FOREIGN AND DOMESTIC, how am I expected to sit idly by and watch darkness descend over the greatest nation the world has ever known?”
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And what should happen next but “a vision”?
For whatever reason, he did not go into detail as to what he actually saw in the supposed vision, but rather reported more vague sentiments about America and a faceless evil that we’ll assume is Joe Biden and/or all Democrats.
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“In order to vanquish the evil that lurks in the shadows, We must bring it into the light,” he said. “Simply eliminating a formless entity without the People knowing [they] existed, does NOT protect the future from the same fate.”
Whatever that means?
Mr. Clandestine then assures readers that the essential message was that “this is not over.” This may or may not refer to the 2020 election, which Donald Trump is still trying to fight even after the Electoral College officially confirmed the will of the people.
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“Just as I was meant to see something as I peered into the DC sky; the world is meant to see something to safeguard the future from making the same mistakes of the past,” Clandestine unhelpfully added.
The biggest clue about what this guy is actually talking about comes in the final tweet, in which he claims he doesn’t know what will happen or what Trump will do, but he does know one thing:
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“However, I do know, on Jan 20th, Trump will remain in office,” he concluded. “In due time, all of us will see what it is we are meant to see. The darkness will be brought into the light, and in the end… God wins.”
He sure does.
*First Published: December 15, 2020, 1:35 pm
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