October 16, 2021, 9:56 am
A woman on Reddit is struggling with how to support her grieving husband and at the same time feels like her entire life has been turned upside down. The OP, using the name u/Sacrilege6789, wrote on r/AmItheA–hole that she and her husband met in college and have been together for six years.
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She says he was raised in a “strict evangelical household” but around when they met he started moving away from those beliefs. The OP says they’ve always been pretty happy, but then in 2021, her father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer and passed away just weeks later.
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Her husband has been devastated and things started getting strange:
My husband decided to honor his father’s memory by rejoining his church. Unfortunately, it is one of those churches that forbids many things I find fun and relatively harmless and classifies them as “addictions” or “tools of Satan.” For example, before his father’s passing my husband and I enjoyed having a glass of wine or cocktail now and then (maybe a couple times a week) and also enjoyed weed or edibles (legally) once every month or two. But after joining the church my husband decided he was an alcoholic and drug addict. He also decided that his occasional porn use (we enjoyed it together to spice things up now and then) was also an “addiction.” He is now insisting that I am also an addict because I don’t want to give all these things up. I tried to meet him halfway – I don’t care about weed and am fine never using again, and agreed not to drink at home if my husband truly wanted to have a sober household, but said I would still want to have an occasional drink when out with friends. I will admit I like (written) erotica, which he never thought was a problem until he became religious. He also threw away my vibrator saying it was an instrument of the Devil.
The latest is that my husband’s pastor told him video games (all games, not just M rated ones) are sinful and now my husband is insisting I have a video game addiction and need treatment. Gaming is a main hobby for me, probably around 8-10 hours a week. It’s not an addiction in my view, just something I really enjoy! I work full-time, cook, clean, exercise, etc. I’m not neglecting anything else in my life (except respect for my husband’s new beliefs, I guess) by gaming.
The OP says her husband is now insisting she has to go to church with him and while he has agreed to couple’s counseling, he’ll only go through his church. She has tried to reason with him:
I told him that I understand he is grieving and struggling and I want to be kind and supportive, and if it really helps we can keep alcohol and weed out of the house, but I am not going to become an evangelical (unlike him, I was raised with atheist parents) and am not going to restrict myself to activities he finds acceptable under his religious beliefs. I also asked him to please stop labeling habits he doesn’t like as “addiction.” Of course he now thinks I am an AH for being mean to him while he is grieving. Most of our family members and friends also think I should do what he asks in the name of being supportive. So, AITA?
People in the comments think she absolutely is not the problem in this situation.
A lot of them sympathize with the OP’s husband as well as her, because he’s obviously going through something serious. But that doesn’t mean what he’s doing in response is okay.
“Counseling through the church will NOT help. They will just reiterate what he is telling you,” wrote jaynesbluewish. “Don’t change who you are. You are doing a wonderful job of being supportive but he is asking WAY too much. I am hoping he comes back to himself and you both can laugh about this later. NAH – You’re doing the best you can and obviously love him very much. He is grieving and being manipulated in that grief by that church. That church is the asshole here. And cancer. F-ck cancer.”
Then cutibeaver26 wrote, “Absolutely please do not do church counseling. All they’re going to do is gang up on you because they’ve already decided what right and wrong behaviors are.”
Some people even warned the OP that she should be careful of her birth control and she assured readers that she has an IUD. She wants to see if she can hang in there, and maybe the man she loves with come back.
“I’m really hoping that when he gets through this fog of grief he will get back to himself,” she added in a comments. “I don’t want to leave – I mean, that would be a last resort. I want to be kind and patient just as I hope he would be if I had suffered a devastating loss and wasn’t myself for a while. But I don’t want to change into someone I’m not. Even if that does make me an AH.”
It doesn’t at all.
*First Published: October 16, 2021, 9:56 am
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