Woman Asks For Advice After Her Husband Joins the Proud Boys

February 23, 2021, 10:58 am

While there might be some healthy relationships out there where the two people involved have different politics, mostly it seems like what’s really happening is that one person has a horrible ideology and the other person is ignoring it.

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That is definitely the case for this woman who posted to r/relationship_advice under a throwaway Reddit account…for good reason.

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The OP says that she is liberal and her husband is a “conservative/libertarian.”

“I always made peace with this difference by avoiding talking about politics and understanding that we have the same goals, just different ideas on how to achieve those results,” she writes. Okay. Sure.

She also says both she and her husband are 31 and they’ve been together since they were 14. That explains a lot right off the bat—she has zero perspective on different types of relationships.

And now he’s joined The Proud Boys, a certified hate group. The OP is at least aware enough to know that.

When I confronted him about joining the group, he denied all my accusations that the Proud Boys were racist, violent, etc. In fairness, this local chapter repeatedly states in their code that they have zero tolerance for discrimination against race, religion, sexuality, etc, and that they are not a “fight club.”

All my other accusations against the group were rebutted. He did state that he agreed with their “West is Best” philosophy, which he insists is related to capitalism/democracy, not race.

I pressed him for why he felt the need to join an organization widely regarded as a hate group, and he said it was hard to find like-minded conservatives his age to hang out with.

He just wanted some drinking buddies. My pleas to check Meetup.com or local church groups fell on deaf ears, even though I found several groups that matched.

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Twitter/redditships

The OP says she’s having “so much trouble” reconciling “the caring man” she knows and his “online far-right persona.”

Babe. It’s not a persona. She adds that he has a Twitter account where he “trolls” people and though she says she calls him out when she sees “straight up BS,” I’m guessing from context she lets a lot of awful stuff go.

She writes the Proud Boys memberships is a “step too far.”

“I’m so ashamed to admit I’m married to a man that is part of this group,” she writes.

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So, what’s keeping her from leaving? Well, they have a one-year-old daughter, and the OP claims her husband is a good father. For now. She came to Reddit to ask what to do with all this.

How do I reconcile this? Do I just ignore it unless he actually does/says something that goes against my values instead of just judging by association? I’m having trouble drawing a line and weighing the good against what I perceive as bad. I have no other cause for divorce/separation.

Phew. Well, the truth is, a lot of people who call themselves “liberal” ignore the hateful, racist, and violent stuff that “conservative” people do in their life, even when it’s far past the point of conservatism and become extremism.

So, the OP could put her head down and keep ignoring reality, too, but that is what makes the world a terrible place.

Commenters don’t have much sympathy, since that’s what she has already been doing and here’s where it led. Others have reminded her that her daughter won’t be a baby forever, and this man will have a lot of influence over her:

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I can only see this going one way.
She leaves him, and they use it to radicalize him further. “See women are at fault. The left is poison. Bla bla bla”
And at that point he either realizes what’s happening and gets out, in wich case good on him, or he doesn’t and sinks in *deep*

— Felix #ScrewTheFascists (@Aka_Pcfx) February 23, 2021

Oh yeah. Totally. She absolutely *has* to leave him. No doubt about that.
The only question is whether he sees it as a wakeup call or as something to build some twisted victim narrative on top of.

— Felix #ScrewTheFascists (@Aka_Pcfx) February 23, 2021

… on her, and what she can do for herself, to keep herself and her daughter safe. I’d be scared af if I were her, what would they do if she left him, that kind of thing

— Ghost Aurélie (@ghosthermione) February 23, 2021

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“He has always been a conservative/libertarian. I always made peace with this by avoiding talking about politics.”

That was your first mistake.

— Heather (@heeliibo) February 23, 2021

OP will probably erroneously blame herself when her ex becomes more radicalized, telling herself that this is only happening because she left him, but that is not the case. someone signing up to a terror group is only going to get worse, not better

— it’s been simon all along (@SimonJadis) February 23, 2021

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I get where people are coming from but it’s like “the answer is always to go in the opposite direction from that person. They’re probably not going to change, and they shouldn’t be changing just for you because then they’ll resent you so yeah. You gotta leave.”

— Angel says wear your mask and wash those hands! (@angelt18) February 23, 2021

Also “we just don’t talk politics” is the solution only some yts would have. The personal is political. The way someone politically identifies speak to the values & morals they hold & prioritize. He’s been showing her who he is & she’s been turning her head away to avoid seeing.

— [email protected] (@alakedix1) February 23, 2021

So, is this guy really as bad as all that? Yep. He has apparently found the post, and started commenting on it:

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Get away from this man. His online persona is just his personality.

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*First Published: February 23, 2021, 10:58 am