Photo via PD-USGOV-CONGRESS, @lilnasx/Instagram
March 29, 2021, 10:19 am
Lil Nas X has announced an exclusive new line of sneakers following the release of his hit song “Montero,” which topped the charts and got right-wing Christians as hot and bothered as WAP. After the music video featured him giving a lap dance to Satan himself, he revealed a pair of shoes that include a pentagram, a reference to a Bible verse about Lucifer’s fall from heaven, and a single drop of human blood.
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There will only be 666 pairs produced, referencing the idea of the mark of the Antichrist from the book of Revelations.
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Naturally, Christian conservatives are now turning their focus onto Lil Nas X, declaring that surely this will be the bit of music-related merchandise that will be the downfall of humanity. One of these was the actual governor of South Dakota, Kristi Noem.
“Our kids are being told that this kind of product is, not only okay, it’s ‘exclusive,’” she tweeted. “But do you know what’s more exclusive? Their God-given eternal soul.”
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“We are in a fight for the soul of our nation. We need to fight hard. And we need to fight smart. We have to win.”
It’s exactly this kind of language that drives the cool kids out of youth group. Lil Nas X knows that, and tried to help Governor Noem out by reminding her to get back to work.
Rather than doing any part of her job, which might include getting vaccines to her constituents, she quoted a Bible verse at a gay cowboy rapper.
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“What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?” she said.
“Shoot a child in your mouth while I’m ridin,” replied Lil Nas X, quoting from Montero.
Thankfully, Noem gave up the feud after that, probably not looking to put a reference to oral sex on the governor’s Twitter account.
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Elsewhere, conservatives are in crisis mode over Montero, which does everything in a musician and artist’s power to throw the idea that homosexuality is a “sin” back in their faces, declaring that “God was shinin’ on me” while he was getting it on with other dudes. The topic of the shoes soon made it to Pastor Greg Locke’s Sunday sermon, which Lil Nas X has already promised to sample in the future.
Speaking faster than most normal people can comprehend, Locke called the shoes “a bunch of satanism, a bunch of wickedness, a bunch of devilism, a bunch of demonism.” His church has yet to confirm whether he has recovered from the idea of some shoes.
*First Published: March 29, 2021, 10:19 am
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