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August 15, 2021, 7:11 am
Grief can make people say and do crazy things, but this “friend” of Redditor u/Infamous_Ambassador crossed a line that she can’t step back over. The original poster came to subreddit r/AmItheA–hole to share his story because he worried he overreacted to his friend’s offensive comments.
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“AITA for telling a friend that her dog dying is not the same as my kid?” he asked.
Apparently, his friend’s 16-year-old dog died, and they completely lost it. That’s actually understandable—losing a pet is super hard. They’re your constant companion and provide unconditional love. Losing them is incredibly hard. The OP says their friend group has been rallying around her, as she’s stayed in bed crying. Then, she asked for the OP specifically.
She said, “Now I know what it felt like for you. Losing a kid is so, so hard.” I’m 26M, my girlfriend got pregnant at fourteen and I was a father at fifteen. He was the best little boy ever and I was in love with him. I had a job and her parents kicked her out so she moved in with mine and by the time I was 19, I was happy and me and her moved into an apartment together.
But when the next year, when he was five years old, he got hit by a truck and passed away. It’s been six years and I still think of him every day.
I told her, maybe a little insensitively, “You didn’t lose a kid.” She looked taken aback and said she did and something about how “fur babies” were kids too. I said losing a kid is nothing like losing a dog and she started getting angry and told me she raised her dog for way longer than my son.
I got mad, and yelled at her to never talk about my son again and then I stormed out.
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Apparently, the friend group is split on whether or not the OP went too far or not. They’ve told him that her grief is “fresh: and the OP has had six years to recover from his grief…but as commenters were quick to say, the grief of a child is not something that fades away.
Most of them told him immediately that his anger was totally understandable and justified:
Everyone saying you’re TA doesnt realize that you willingly take on the death of a pet when you adopt them. It hurts and we all hate losing them, but that’s just life.
Losing your child is 100% different because you plan for them to bury you, not the other way around. Your friend may be grieving but she had no right to bring up your child like that. Even people who have had miscarriages 20+ years ago can still hardly talk about it because it’s so painful. NTA
For pets, unless you are past 55, you will bury your pet unless you have bad luck in the health department. It’s ok – and expected to grieve the loss, but it’s a grief that accepted when getting a pet. The same isn’t true for a child. No parent expects to bury a child.
NTA, while I love dogs and think of them very highly, this dog had a long and full life. Comparing it to the death of your six year old human child is wildly inappropriate. I don’t know how else she expected you to react. Obviously it would have been better if you said nothing, but I don’t think she should be going around making this comparison to anyone else. It’s lucky you are a friend because another person may have punched her.
NTA. I adore my cat and will absolutely be heartbroken when she inevitably passes, but that comes with the territory of pet ownership. No parent expects to lose their child, and in such a horrific manner. She was completely out of line mentioning your son, and personally I’d cut out her and anyone who thinks you should’ve kept quiet.
The absolute nerve of comparing the two experiences. 100% serious when I say I would never speak to a single one of those people again if I were in OPs shoes.
NTA- Dude. It’s so gross to compare a dog to a child. I love dogs. But holy hell thats taking it way too far. I am so sorry for your loss.
There were a few people who could sort of see both sides, mostly because as mentioned, grief messes people up. They’re not thinking clearly and there’s no use comparing their different feelings about that grief. But those people got a lot of pushback because it’s still outrageous to compare a child and a dog:
I’m gonna be in the minority here and say NAH.
First, I totally agree that comparing the death of one’s pet to the death of one’s child is absurd and completely unacceptable. Everyone else did well to cover the many reasons why. But how could she possibly ever know what it’s like to lose a child if she hasn’t experienced that before?
Right now, what she feels is very real and it’s affected her to the point that she’s barely living anymore, based on the way OP described her doing nothing but crying in bed. She’s delirious and out of her mind with grief, so she’s not able to rationally weigh the tragedy of losing a pet with losing a child and think about how such a comment would affect you. She’s too stuck in her own emotions right now.
exoticcatpoopcoffee
NAH. I think this is a case where both parties are so affected by their grief it makes it difficult to fully empathize. Your loss is incredibly tragic OP and I’m sorry you had to go through that. It is no doubt one of the most emotionally trying times any person can go through, and it was in poor taste for her to compare her loss to yours- though understand it was not her intention to diminish the scale of your loss but instead coming from a place of empathy saying she had a better understanding (though she could never fully understand it unless she experienced it.)
Where she is coming from is a fixture in her family since she was a child has passed and it is very fresh to her. Anyone who has a dog can tell you they seem to pick up on moods and will intuitively come and comfort you if they sense something off. She undoubtedly went through some tough times we all go through in our teenage/ young adult years, and her dog was there to comfort her through it. It wasn’t right for her to compare, but then again understand she isn’t exactly her normal self right now.
BigClemenza
End of the day, no one plans to bury their kid. Part of loving an animal is knowing you’ll have to say goodbye to them. It hurts, but it’s normal. Watching your child die never is.
*First Published: August 15, 2021, 7:11 am
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